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A Life In The Day (24)


Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A Life In The Day (24)

THE VALLEY OF THE DEADLY TARANTULAS
/ or/ THE TWO SCREAMING GIRLY MEN !!!
…………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………
Lets see……….how to start?………………
After Joel and I woke up around noon , (He with a BIG GRIN on his face , me with a hang over.) ,We ate enough to feed a J V High School Football Team, and fitted out our Bikes , We decided to hit the road again , (seeing as how we were $500 richer, doesn’t sound much by today’s standards , but hey! it was 1964 ! )
At first, it seemed reasonable to stay to the main roads , be those as they were……(ha ha ha ha ha ha …………….. the biggest jokes of modern times!!!!!!!!!!!)
Because we had Dirt Bikes it was easy for us to go off road , the reason being because we had heard in various Cantinas along the way , that there were Bandits on certain roads and mountains . We stayed north of Sonora and Hermosillo and went perty much thru the deserts , food and our survival skills not being much of a problem , ( being as how we were both Eagle Scouts when we were kids and all that shit . ) .
OK , so we are driving thru the desert at around 60MPH , at around noon or there abouts and off in the distance , ( a long distance, remember at 17 we have the eyes of hawks . ), we see LITERALLY(!) , A Field of Black about the size of a football field with ………..well let me put it this way. It looked like what you might see if you had an open frying pan of ORVILLE REDENBACKER POPCORN WITHOUT THE LID ! Things were just going everywhere! BLACK THINGS!!!!!!!! In a nano second going thru my mind is that this is an optical illusion ………..or just an optical illusion…….!
(EDITORS NOTE: for some reason in 1964 , the going fashion rage for teen guys in southern California was/ were / was, what ever, PENDELTON , LONG SLEEVE , FLANNEL SHIRTS! worn outside of your pants . Go figure! KEY WORD-FLANNEL! ) .
OK , so here we are driving down the path and as yet we are not sure what THEY were.
( REMEMBER! WE ARE DOING 60 MPH! ) At about 30 yards we can at least see that they are spiders. (REMEMBER THAT ALL THIS IS GOING THRU OUR MINDS AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in a TIME sense!)
At 20 yards we can now see that they are NOT little spiders……
At 10 yards we can see that they are REALLY BIG spiders!…………………..
As we drove INTO THEM , we now see that they are REALLY BIG FUCKING TARANTULAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the time we are 10 yards INTO them we both simultaneously hit the skids , (breaks) , and laid down our bikes and preceded to slide for about 20 or 30 more yards. At this point Joel and I
immediately scrambled out from under our bikes as quick as we could SCREAMING the whole time like little 7 yr. old girls ! Jumping up and down and SCREAMING like little girly men !
The whole time beating at ourselves and trying to get THESE GOD DAMNED TARANTULAS OFF OF OUR BODIES AND SCREAMING LIKE LITTLE GIRLY MEN !!!!!
( now picture a 1960’s Mr. Wizard type TV program with some avuncular scientist explaining the how’s and why’s of an ATOMIC BOMB Explosion by way of show and tell . Remember this is STILL the era of THE RED THREAT , the WALL is still up . the IRON CURTAIN still surrounds a big portion of the world , AND KRUSCHEV STILL WANTS TO BURY US. and the CUBAN crisis is still in the future waiting to happen . So this fat fart with thick glasses standing in front of a 10’x10’x10′ clear plastic cube and the bottom of the floor is filled with SET mouse traps with ping-pong balls sitting where the cheese would be and 1 small hole at the top .
He looks at the camera and says with a smug shit eating grin on his face , ” This is what would happen if 1 HYDROGEN ATOM were excited by a simple “little” explosion , say the size of a stick of dynamite.” , whereupon he drops the first ping-pong ball into the little hole. and the next sequence is done IN REALLY SLOW MOTION photography . The first ball hits the first trap! it trips! those 2 go off and you have 4 more , they go off and you have 16 , they go off and you have 32 , then 64 , then 128 until the whole clear plastic box is filled with ping-pong balls .
My point? …………..WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE FUCKING TARANTULAS JUMPING AROUND LIKE THOSE STUPID PING-PONG BALLS AND WE ARE SCREAMING LIKE LITTLE GIRLS PUSHED INTO A ROOM FULL OF WHITE MICE AND WETTING OUR PANTS! ! AND WE ARE JUMPING AND FLAPPING OUR ARMS AND TRYING TO GET RID OF THEIS HORRIFYING ARACHNIDS OFF OUR BODIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND MORE KEEP CLINGING TO US!!!!!!!!!! )
Editors Note :
One of the reasons why we had such a hard time getting rid of these
Tarantulas .
Tarantulas have tiny hairs on the back of their abdomen and back legs that will stick to an enemy if disturbed and ITCH.
Tarantulas have re-tractable claws, just like cats!
Some tarantulas can get as big as DINNER PLATES !
Tarantulas’ bite is actually not that dangerous; no more worse than a bee sting (unless you’re allergic, of coarse or scared shitless and SCREAMING LIKE LITTLE GIRLS!!!).
Remember the key words? We were wearing FLANNEL SHIRTS!!!!
Now try to picture this: 2 guys with kinda longish hair full of TARANTULAS!
FLANNEL SHIRTS from neck to wrists COVERED in TARANTULAS!
Jeans pretty much covered in the GOO and ENTRAILS of TARANTULAS from rolling around on the ground while trying to get our feet under us so we could RUN LIKE BATS OUTTA HELL to get to the free space from where we first encountered the TARANTULAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We ran for what seemed an eternity , about 50 yards before exhaustion and being O D’ed by adrenalin , overcame us and we collapsed !
We were so exhausted that all we could do was lay there panting and watch the migrating horde go on its merry way hopping off to the north east . That took about 1-1/2 hours. Before sunset we managed to raise ourselves enough to stagger to our bikes and push them beyond the perimeter of the killing fields. We then managed to gather enough dried tinder and cactus to build a fire big enough to be seen by a satellite for GOOGLE EARTH , FROM SPACE!
We both held large STICKS AND STONES just ready to defend ourselves , JUST IN CASE………..( Imagine a guy in a room with a pump shotgun just waiting for a mosquito to come in the room!) We didn’t sleep much that night…………
E S D

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